Addiction. What is addiction to me? Addiction, to me, is something I struggle to find the words to really portray. Addiction is something that is a huge part of what makes me who I am today. It does not define me but it definitely is something that harbours deep within me.
One thing I know for sure is that addiction was, is, and always will be a constant in my life. By constant I mean a constant fear, a constant worry and a constant feeling that lives inside of me.
I know for sure is that addiction was, is, and always will be a constant in my life
Addiction, in whatever form that may be is something that I feel many will never understand unless they’ve walked down that road before. Addiction is such a taboo subject still within society yet so many people seem to slip into the dark hold that addiction possesses.
The first time I used drugs I think I was around 12 years old. I would smoke the occasional joint and loved the high flying feeling that came with it. This was never a problem in my eyes, well, I never looked at it to be a problem as, I was in no way addicted to smoking it.
My life changed dramatically at the age of 14. Things happened that changed everything. I was no longer in control of myself. People did unthinkable things and my view of people and the world turned into a warped and twisted delusion.
People did unthinkable things and my view of people and the world turned into a warped and twisted delusion.
I shut down and despite wanting to escape the things that were happening, there seemed to be no way out. That’s when; at the age of 15 someone introduced me to cocaine. At first, I tried to fight the constant pressure from a particular individual to make me take it. However, reluctantly, I was made to pick up the rolled up pink note and snort the thick line that was as long as my finger.
In that moment my body began to feel a rush that was indescribable. In that moment I felt an escape. It was like I left my body and despite still being in the mist of hell that was my life back then- I had an escape. I felt things I had never experienced and I enjoyed the feeling.
From that moment, it just escalated and went from occasional use, to pleasurable use to an addiction so bad that it nearly took my life.
I try to be open about my struggles with substance misuse as I feel that to me it is the only way I can steer clear of falling back down into that darkness.
I sit here and think of all that the drugs cost me in my life. I am in bad debt and this debt will hang over my head for years to come. But it doesn’t come close to the more valuable things I lost in that time. The main thing was that I lost myself.
I ruined a lot of relationships. To the outside world I had everything; an amazing partner, a good family, friends, a job, a pretty normal life for a young adult. But I couldn’t keep up with that life and drugs were my safe haven, my escape, my life.
To the outside world I had everything; an amazing partner, a good family, friends, a job, a pretty normal life for a young adult.
I risked losing everything in a battle to free myself from the hold that drugs had over me. I came clean to all of those around me about the extent of my problems. I put myself into a drug programme and began my journey to a drug free life. However with each day that passes, I know that I will never fully be in the clear as drugs are powerful; not only do they affect you physically but mentally too, it ingrains itself deep into your mind.
There is a space within me where it used to live and the battle to keep it from moving back in again will be one I hope to always win.