Lauren Murray: The Everlasting Battle That I Hope To Always Win

Addiction. What is addiction to me? Addiction, to me, is something I struggle to find the words to really portray. Addiction is something that is a huge part of what makes me who I am today. It does not define me but it definitely is something that harbours deep within me. 

One thing I know for sure is that addiction was, is, and always will be a constant in my life. By constant I mean a constant fear, a constant worry and a constant feeling that lives inside of me.

I know for sure is that addiction was, is, and always will be a constant in my life

Addiction, in whatever form that may be is something that I feel many will never understand unless they’ve walked down that road before. Addiction is such a taboo subject still within society yet so many people seem to slip into the dark hold that addiction possesses.

The first time I used drugs I think I was around 12 years old. I would smoke the occasional joint and loved the high flying feeling that came with it. This was never a problem in my eyes, well, I never looked at it to be a problem as, I was in no way addicted to smoking it. 

My life changed dramatically at the age of 14. Things happened that changed everything. I was no longer in control of myself. People did unthinkable things and my view of people and the world turned into a warped and twisted delusion. 

People did unthinkable things and my view of people and the world turned into a warped and twisted delusion.

I shut down and despite wanting to escape the things that were happening, there seemed to be no way out. That’s when; at the age of 15 someone introduced me to cocaine. At first, I tried to fight the constant pressure from a particular individual to make me take it. However, reluctantly, I was made to pick up the rolled up pink note and snort the thick line that was as long as my finger.

Lauren 15

In that moment my body began to feel a rush that was indescribable. In that moment I felt an escape. It was like I left my body and despite still being in the mist of hell that was my life back then- I had an escape. I felt things I had never experienced and I enjoyed the feeling.

From that moment, it just escalated and went from occasional use, to pleasurable use to an addiction so bad that it nearly took my life. 

I try to be open about my struggles with substance misuse as I feel that to me it is the only way I can steer clear of falling back down into that darkness. 

I sit here and think of all that the drugs cost me in my life. I am in bad debt and this debt will hang over my head for years to come. But it doesn’t come close to the more valuable things I lost in that time. The main thing was that I lost myself.

I ruined a lot of relationships. To the outside world I had everything; an amazing partner, a good family, friends, a job, a pretty normal life for a young adult. But I couldn’t keep up with that life and drugs were my safe haven, my escape, my life.

To the outside world I had everything; an amazing partner, a good family, friends, a job, a pretty normal life for a young adult.

I risked losing everything in a battle to free myself from the hold that drugs had over me. I came clean to all of those around me about the extent of my problems. I put myself into a drug programme and began my journey to a drug free life. However with each day that passes, I know that I will never fully be in the clear as drugs are powerful; not only do they affect you physically but mentally too, it ingrains itself deep into your mind.

lauren stop smile breathe

There is a space within me where it used to live and the battle to keep it from moving back in again will be one I hope to always win.

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