It’s around 11pm and I can’t sleep. I have this restless energy in my body that I can’t shake. I think about where to turn, what to do. No option seems like a good option. So I walk.
It’s late, my mum would be so angry if she knew I was out this late by myself, but I just need to do something. I don’t feel settled. I feel lost. A constant feeling of homesick for a place and space in my life that no longer exists.
I moved out of my home because the memories were too much. Triggers like splinters. Try as I might I can’t tweezer them out. They are lodged and they overlay my reality.
I call loads of people. Nobody picks up. I call Samaritans and tell the lady I’m lost. What do you do when you’re in a city and you are lost. Who can you reach to? Is there a special social service for this weird feeling or do I have to do this alone? The lady speaks in a condescending tone asking me why I feel this way. I hang up. Because I’m just lost. Lost lost lost.
2 years on and things have slowed down now. I get moments of disorientation when I reflect on the events that changed my life. But they slowly fade as I look around me and tell myself ‘I’m not there anymore’. But at the time I was well and truly stumped at how I could move past such a chaotic, confusing whirlpool of emotion that seemed never ending.
I spoke with a friend today about this. We both had parents pass away when we were teenagers and we tried to explain that feeling to each other of loss. But in a way we didn’t have to explain. We both had experienced the depth of it.
So what do you do when you’re lost? I’ve learnt a few lessons on the way:
1) Be present. Look around you. Slow down.
2) Remember you don’t have to be anywhere but here. Just take this time to be with yourself.
3) It might not make sense right now but I promise it will. I can’t say how long it will take, but remember this is today. Tomorrow is new.
4) Have a cup of tea. If hot drinks aren’t your thing have a can of your favourite sugary drink. I lived off rich tea biscuits at this time (you gotta treat yourself sometimes right).
5) Cry it out, or scream. Who cares if you’re in public and people think you’re weird. Just sob, get it all out. You are allowed.
6) Remember: it’s ok to feel this. I know it’s scary but this is not forever.
Take care of yourselves,